"Who are you?"
"I am Vaysh. The Tigron's aide."
"Vaysh as I see him or Vaysh as he is?"
"Reality in one context only. There are many."

- The Fulfilments of Fate and Desire¹, Storm Constantine

Vaysh from Enchantments of Flesh and Spirit and Fulfilments of Fate and Desire is the character I choose to identify as my favorite. But truly, my favor belongs not just to the actual Vaysh from the text, but my personal concept of Vaysh, which is borne from my own imagination and personal interpretation.

Therefore, I find it ironic that Cal and Vaysh exchanged those cryptic words in the dream meeting quoted above. I know that I have a firm vision of Vaysh that is only reality to me personally. The beauty of fictional characters, especially secondary ones like Vaysh, is that we can create our own reality of who that character is and what events shaped him. To each of us the interpretation is real and meaningful and shapes our concept of the writing as a whole. Sometimes, I find myself fretting that my ideas are not the ones that the author intended and that I'm "getting it all wrong." But, when it comes to a matter such as this, I don't suppose there really is a right or wrong.

So, the character I'm going to discuss isn't necessarily the exact same character with whom you may be familiar. I'm going to give you a more personal story and explain how this fictional har has helped me understand myself more through this past year.

It's been almost a year exactly since I read the Wraeththu trilogy. In fact, I read the first few pages while I was visiting family with my newly pregnant sister-in-law. Although I enjoyed the family visit and the long drive with my brother's wife very much, I'm thankful that I had the distraction of such a wonderful book during that particular time, which was bittersweet for me. I'm significantly older than my sister-in-law is and my maternal nature has been one of the top three things that I identify as defining my personality. Despite my decidedly macabre tendencies and what I'd like to believe is a progressive outlook, bearing and nurturing at least one child had always been the foremost priority in my life. In fact I'd complained to her before about my ongoing frustration with having to postpone childbearing until the "time is right." I had thought that the right time was going to be last year, but that turned out to not be the case. And now the person bringing the much-adored first grandchild to my parents was not me, but this young newcomer.

Aspects of my situation made me identify with Vaysh in Enchantments. I was suffering from frustration, jealousy and depression over my comparatively trivial situation, but at the time I felt limited in how I could indulge those feelings without being melodramatic, petty and self-indulgent. Vaysh provided an outlet since I could freely dramatize in my mind the emotions that I imagined him to be feeling - indulging while at the same time distancing myself personally from that same negativity.

Besides, I could be the supportive and enthusiastic sister and console myself that at least I wasn't as bad off as poor Vaysh. If I was gloomy over my childlessness, how much more crushing was the depression that Vaysh felt to be not only irreversibly barren, but also sexually impaired in a society where sexuality and gender balance are a transcendent spiritual phenomenon? If I was jealous of my sister-in-law, how sickeningly envious must Vaysh feel of Pell, reborn flawless and destined to rule over all the others despite the fact that he knew nothing in comparison to Vaysh's formidable familiarity and skill with the inner workings of Immanion's political machine? And if I was frustrated because my life was not following the path I'd envisioned, how heart-wrenchingly devastated was Vaysh to be ripped from whatever life he had before and then trapped in a defective body, enslaved in a subservient role, and utterly separated from his lover, and presumably, soul mate?

Regardless of the personal connection I made, Vaysh is a compelling character in his own right. As a reader I naturally went through the same gamut of reactions to him as Pell did. At first Vaysh seemed merely periphery but then he was intriguing. Then I was offended and angered by his coldness. He also became a source of humor as he played the serious role against the more adventurous and cynical recklessness of Pellaz, who, of course, had my full sympathy. And of course, when Vaysh's full story came to light and he showed his vulnerability and pain to Pell, I also found myself wanting to heal and console him.

I admit that I identified with Vaysh right away, but the way Pell interacted with him led me to examine him beyond what was written on the pages. Clearly there was more to his story. Like Pell, I wanted to melt the ice and get at what lay beneath because I felt that if I could do that, understand the depth of his thoughts and feelings, I'd be that much closer to understanding them in myself.

The mysterious nature of Vaysh's original death, as well as his relationship with Ashmael and his entire life before his rebirth, are all elements begging further explanation. But, surprisingly, I've never pondered those details intensely. I assume that eventually the author will reveal those mysteries, or else they're meant to be obscure. What struck me as especially enigmatic about Vaysh was something that Pell said about him: "Vaysh said so easily, 'I am here to serve you,' and he knew that was his purpose in the scheme of things, but there is nothing remotely servile in him. Sometime, someone (Thiede?) had sterilized his soul. What is within Vaysh is truly a monster, clothed in flesh."²

The idea that Vaysh would be a monster rankled me. After all, aside from the obvious, the only difference between Pell and Vaysh was that the rebirth process for Vaysh went wrong, leaving him "at best, barren and at worst gutted."³ Vaysh's description of his condition is so vague, that I often find myself wondering whether the words refer literally to his physical state of being or to the sterility of soul that Pell mentioned.

The implied physical affliction (which seems to be widely accepted in the fandom) constitutes a serious disability - especially for a higher caste har like Vaysh. On one hand there's the literal sense of barren -- Vaysh is now unable to conceive life, which is notable because in his caregiver role he makes a wistful comment about Pell about how he almost felt as if he had made Pell himself. Therefore, I assume that Vaysh might have liked to have harlings given the opportunity - but I've never thought that this alone could account for his misery. After all, I assume that Vaysh was incepted and that he was once a man - bearing children couldn't be all that important or imperative to him.

The true physical disability would therefore lie the embracing of both the ouana and soume halves of a har's being. Combine that with Vaysh's implication that he cannot partake of aruna with the Wraeththu use of aruna for personal bonding, spiritual elevation and, in some cases, Grissecon, one can assume that Vaysh is indeed impaired.

Although Thiede tells Pell that the impairment is not so severe as Vaysh tends to insinuate (perhaps the lack of aruna is not a physical malady but an inability to emotionally bond), we can assume that it is a factor in preventing him from living his life to fullest. We know for a fact that the impairment prevents him from being chosen as Tigrina, something Pell would have at first been willing to do as a compromise. I'd even go so far to say that Vaysh was seen unfit for the role, not only because he couldn't bear a pearl, but because Vaysh lost the part of him that was essentially Wraeththu, in body and spirit.

But despite all this, I concluded that the true monstrosity of the change must not lie in Vaysh physically, but spiritually and emotionally. This is not a far stretch of the imagination -- in fact, it's obvious based on what Pell said about his soul. I wanted to understand the exact nature of this monstrous change. After all, Vaysh was clearly cold, abrasive and melancholy but while his personality may inspire a number of pejorative (and rude) labels - "monster" is still not one that rings true to me. There had to be another reason. Because I already identified so much with Vaysh, I employed my empathy in search of an answer.

I placed myself in Vaysh's shoes and quickly came to a conclusion. The answer I found and embraced was anger. I've precious little evidence to back up my theory -- but it rings true to me nonetheless. After all, Pell clearly feels angered by his situation. One can only assume that Vaysh does as well. In fact, one can easily conjecture that Vaysh has much more reason to be angry. He's been through all the same hardships as Pell, but Thiede permanently damaged him physically and/or emotionally and/or spiritually. In all, Vaysh loses more and gain less. I know that if I were in Vaysh's place, I'd be furious. I'd be seething. I'd despise the very thought of Thiede. I'd hate Thiede .... Thiede, whom Vaysh knows to be the Aghama, the closest thing he has to a god.

Vaysh would hate his God. Now there is a fact that one might consider monstrous. That is a hidden little flaw that might prevent him from ever truly drawing close to any of his fellow Gelaming. And yet it draws me so much closer to him. This is yet another way in which I sense my own feelings not merely echoed, but amplified in this character. I don't actually hate God, but I have felt angry and frustrated with Him. So much so, that I eventually found it more peaceful to ignore or disbelieve His existence entirely, despite having been extremely devout once upon a time.

Who amongst us cannot relate? I think virtually every human being cognizant enough to contemplate such matters has become angry at their god(s), or just at fate, or some universal energy at least once. Who hasn't in moments of desolation, figuratively shaken his fist at the sky and asked, "Why?"

At least Pell had a somewhat comforting answer to that question. What must have made Vaysh's loathing all the more intense was that not only did the Aghama personally cause Vaysh's misfortune, he seems to hold Vaysh in low regard as well. In my opinion, Thiede is not an overly warm or loving personality towards anyone, but as far as the text shows, he does not express any remorse for Vaysh's fate. In his brief conversation with Pell regarding Vaysh, his tone is dismissive and it's clear that he does not consider Vaysh to be on the same level as Pell. He insinuates that Pell is being foolish to take Vaysh's feelings and rights into consideration.

We know that Vaysh was listening in on that particular conversation and yet, he doesn't seem at all surprised by the words. We know that Vaysh was brought through the rebirth process before Pell. There is an implication that Thiede might have originally intended Vaysh for the role of Tigron, but there is no direct evidence for this.

Vaysh might have simply been practice (much needed practice it seems). Another possibility is that the role of aide is what Thiede intended all along and perhaps Vaysh's sterility of mind and/or body was simply part of the plan. It may seem highly unlikely, but I'm sure the thought must have crossed Vaysh's mind from time to time. And, even if Thiede had intended to bestow the exalted rulership on Vaysh, the fact remains that when the process failed, Vaysh himself became the failure - fit only to serve behind the scenes in thankless jobs that he clearly didn't want.

Plus, I imagine that Thiede's lack of sympathy and seeming godliness must have influenced Vaysh's own self image. He must have asked himself, "Am I unworthy because Thiede's process failed, or did Thiede's process fail because I was unworthy?" Thus, I imagine Vaysh's anger and hatred is reflected back on himself as well.

Perhaps this is why Vaysh obviously feels more for Thiede than just resentment. Despite the fact that Thiede ruined his life -- he also gave him life -- not just as Aghama, but literally bringing him back from death. To echo what he said to Pell, he might be miserable, but at least he's not dead. Vaysh demonstrates to Pell some faith in Thiede's overall vision, which makes sense seeing as he works to support it. But, he never seems at all pleased about the things Thiede does, appearing overall patient and resigned if not trusting.

More than anything else, I think Vaysh's acceptance of his role is ultimately motivated by loyalty to Pell. I believe this is why in Fulfilments, Vaysh is the person who appears in Cal's dream/vision to guide and assist him. Even if the action was purely subconscious, Vaysh is worked against Thiede and in support of Pell. Vaysh is one of the few people who truly understands both Pell's predicament and Thiede's fallibility and he clearly has the desire to see things set right.

But, I think Vaysh's compliance is at first because of the mistaken belief that he had no choice - again something he indicated to Pell. Unlike Pell, I'm sure if Vaysh left, Thiede would have been peeved, but then would waste no time in just snatching up another suitable har and giving him to Pell instead. Or, maybe it was a weary acceptance that despite any misgivings, assisting Thiede and later Pell would at the very least impart Vaysh's life with some sense of meaning. Otherwise, he'd be miserable and without purpose.

Vaysh is like the priest who sees the miracles of his god fail and loses his faith only to hide behind a facade of duty because without the ritual, he faces nothing but a swirling black pit of meaninglessness and despair. And therein lies the sum of all these conflicting, tormenting emotions. To me, Vaysh represents the antithesis of everything innovative and hopeful about Wraeththu. As such, Vaysh is the embodiment of disillusionment. This is the sterility of his soul and this is what made it impossible for Ashmael to see him as the same person he'd been before.

I must admit that this was not a conclusion that I'd reached immediately after reading the book. For most of the past year, when I contemplated Vaysh, I thought more in terms of the jealousy and resentment he must have felt toward other characters. I also speculated how he would have changed over the years and adjusted to the changes after the Ascension.

My theories about Vaysh didn't truly solidify until a little over nine months after I'd read the books. After I'd spent a day excitedly offering quiet support to my brother and sister-in-law as their daughter was born. After I was informed by the person I trusted most in the world that "not the right time for a baby" had become "I don't think I want to have a baby at all." I've certainly never been an optimistic person but I realized then that I'd begun to put a great deal of misplaced faith in certain people and plans. Anger, depression and, most of all, disillusionment became very important factors in my life at that time.

Looking back it's interesting how many of the impulses I had at that time mirrored some of the things I'd previously attributed to Vaysh. For a while I was torn between walking away from my situation and grimly embracing it. I can honestly admit that I confused a lot of people with my mood swings. One day I was desperately calculating ways that my dreams could still play out according to my wishes. The next I was consumed with the impulse to remove myself completely from anything associated with motherhood or wholesome family life. I felt the need to change everything from my hair color to my occupation because I thought that I could fool myself into becoming a colder person who didn't desperately want to have a child.

And after venting my initial anger, I resolved myself to the same reluctant acceptance that Vaysh must have felt. I surrendered my feelings to serve the greater good of my marriage. And later, for the first time, I contemplated the idea that despite the heartache and anger and disillusionment, perhaps Vaysh did come to accept his fate and make peace with his emotions. After all Vaysh is clearly exaggerating when he said early on that he was left with few feelings. He is capable of warmth. He is capable of feeling deeply and sharing those feelings. And although I first found it to be a bit out of character, in Fulfilments he's capable of humor (albeit at Caerue's expense).

That brings me to the last thing that I love about Vaysh. Despite the fact that there is no resolution to his dilemma in the trilogy, I find myself reading between the lines and seeing hope for him, and therefore for myself as well. I don't think that he would necessarily find some magic healing after the Ascension. I don't think that he'll ever become chesna with Ashmael, or anyone else for that matter. I don't think he'll ever be granted a position of authority in the government. But despite all that in the very brief bit of dialog between Cal and Vaysh after the Ascension -- Vaysh seems happy.

It's a big conclusion to draw based on little evidence (but then aren't all these theories), but it's a beautiful conclusion. Pell said himself that time would heal even the deepest wounds. I wonder whether the sterility of Vaysh's soul was, in fact, something that Thiede had imposed temporarily on Vaysh to protect him from the full force of the negativity that would naturally result from his fate. Or, perhaps the monstrosity was simply that icy shell that Vaysh erected to preserve his own sanity in the midst of these feelings.

Either way, in my mind, Pell did succeed in melting that ice over time. I'm reminded of the fact that throughout the ups and downs of the past year, my friends have helped me through. It's a lovely little side note to Wraeththu's overall themes about the journeys we undertake to find balance and love and destiny. I'll even admit that perhaps Thiede did have some good intentions when he assigned Vaysh to Pell's service and friendship. After all, the interaction between Vaysh and Pell shows that when times are toughest our true friends are the ones who'll help us through.

Footnotes

1. The Fulfilments of Fate and Desire, Omnibus edition, p. 734
2. The Enchantments of Flesh and Spirit, Omnibus edition, p.147
3. The Enchantments of Flesh and Spirit, Omnibus edition, p.179